Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Worst Pain Imaginable

In response to a friend’s recent emergency appendectomy, I was reminded/prompted to relate the following:

On a Thursday evening in the fall of 2005 I went to bed with a stomachache. I usually don’t have them much anymore since I quit dating I don’t have to put up with mounting gas pressure anymore. I have always suspected that I have a high tolerance for pain, and the fact that I put up with the pain for nearly 24 hours is evidence of that fact. On Friday, I took a kid to the hospital for dental surgery and went into work. The pain was distracting enough that I couldn’t really concentrate and our office manager commented that I was starting to look a little green. I decided to go to the hospital just to get reassurance that everything was ok.

I hadn’t realized just how much pain I was in until they hooked me up to an I.V. and shot me up with Morphine (which, by the way, is not a pleasant experience either… the initial reaction for my body was a shot of painful burning that swept through my body as the drug sped through my blood stream.) After the Morphine, I was finally able to lie flat on the table, the pain had me bent double up to that point.

Turns out I had an appendix that was swollen three times the normal size and tucked in behind my colon. I needed old fashion, cut-you-open, surgery.

All that was nothing.

When I woke up from that surgery, (the second one of the year for me—the other one is a great story too, for later) I was introduced to the greatest pain man will ever face. Two nurses came in and informed me that I needed to be voided. Turns out, they thought you had to pee every four hours or you would die. I tried to tell them all about my peeing habits—and the superhuman size of my bladder… all to no avail.

I think the entire hospital heard my reaction to the ordeal.

Four hours later, they were back. I tried to tell them I just didn’t need to yet. It didn’t work. This time, I glanced down there. I wish to this day I hadn’t. Did you know that the tube they stick in there is as big around as… well, let’s just say biology and physics are two separate disciplines. By the way, I was right… I didn’t need to go.

After that, I laid low and hoped they had forgotten about me. I was never so happy as I was for the squirt I produced on my own several hours later. Every nurse on duty got to see it.


  1. Hilarious and alll too real!

    Thanks for posting that Jason! Now I can't wait for the other surgery story.

  2. YOu do know that you have the right to turn down any medical procedure you do not want to undergo right? This reminds me of another DIetz medical moment involving a finger and a violation of ones manhood in the worst way that Jason underwent when we were younger having to get physicals for the board and that I was able to avoid after having a come to JEsus meeting with the doc.


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