Friday, March 6, 2009

Broken Bible Stories: Esther and the Extreme Bachelor

Once upon a time there was a Persian King whose name, as per the custom in those days, was impossible to pronounce. For the sake of our story we will call him King Bob.

One day, King Bob was giving a royal party for all his men. When they had had enough to drink (which actually is to say too much), King Bob summoned for his wife to be brought before the guests to demonstrate her great beauty.

(As everyone knows today, but few knew back then, great beauty is of paramount importance. It supplies the bearer with happiness, a better life than ugly people can have, and the best opportunities in life—such as being able to marry a king and become a queen, for example.)

It seems, unfortunately for her, that the queen (whose name was also impossible to pronounce) was at that very moment entertaining guests in a party of her own and refused to respond to the king’s summons. This enraged the king who promptly divorced his wife and put her out on the street. Thus he became “The Bachelor King Bob.”

It did not take long for this most eligible bachelor to be approached by the TV executives of the day with a gem of an idea for his own show. They would call it “Extremely Made-Over Potential Queens” or “The King Bachelor.” He liked it and it immediately went into production as a mid-season entry right before sweeps.

Esther was one of the finalists selected by the non-voluntary casting calls for all eligible young ladies in the kingdom. She was not very popular on account of her homely looks. She was not Persian. Her name was not even that hard to pronounce. (Although some people tried to pronounce the “th” sound instead of leaving the h silent.) She was however, very kind and of a gentile nature.

Viewers followed Esther and the other finalists for the first season as they were subjected to all forms of painful surgery to fix any perceivable flaw however minor it might seem. The season finale showed the results of the surgery as the girls told viewers how much their lives had already been changed for the better. Some had been depressed (as most unattractive people tend to be on account of their looks.) Now they were happy all the time (as beautiful people can not be sad.) Others pointed out that even if they did not become queen, their life was already better than they could have imagined on account of their looks.

Esther had been an audience favorite all season long due to her good and kind nature. (How surprising to see a homily person with such a disposition! All TV viewers knew that good and kind people were always beautiful; the bad characters are always the ugly ones.) Many commentators had pointed out that Esther was finally getting the looks to match her beautiful temperament and this was only fitting.

In her interview, however, Esther did not please the audience. She was not gushing with gratitude towards the sponsors or the Bachelor King Bob. She seemed worried that all the painful surgery had only served to change her appearance and that she no longer felt like people treated her as the same person. The audience was sure she would not last in the second season.


Season two saw the fierce competition for the Kings heart, as the girls were placed in “The Harem” for the season, with one girl being voted out of “The Harem” each week. Esther quickly won back the hearts of the audience as her good and kind disposition was still evident. Surprisingly, all the other young ladies had seemed to become haughty, proud, and to good for each other. Frequent quarrels and fights arose in “The Harem,” and producers were driven to great lengths to keep the girls content. (Such bad behavior from such beautiful people!)

In the end, the King was taken with Esther’s good and kind nature (it was the only thing that set her apart as all the girls had been cosmetically altered to the accepted standard of beauty and therefore all looked the same.)

She went on to be a great Queen, never placing her own safety above that of her people, but that is another story.

The show went on for several seasons changing sad, depressed, and lonely ugly people into beautiful but ultimately sad, depressed and lonely people. But their exit interviews gushed of how their lives were going to change. They tried to plan a five year reunion once, but no former contestants would participate or even be seen on camera without further surgery.

2 comments:

  1. This is hilarious. I watched some of The Bachelor this year, and I wondered if the girls on the show looked at the situation as a harem, or if they actually thought it was reality. :)

    ReplyDelete

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